Dear Mr President

Your Excellency, Sir,

I come again, your humble servant, with news that is neither fresh nor encouraging.

It has been quite a week, Sir.

Bwana, I had hoped to bring you good news, but Malawi once again chose drama over progress

I do not know whether Cathy Maulidi has been keeping a notebook, Your Excellency. In the interest of public service, I have decided to keep one for you.

Because in this country, the truth does not always arrive when invited. Sometimes it comes late, removes its shoes, asks for tea, and then quietly tells you what happened.

So, Sir, allow me to fill you in.

Let us begin with Government.

Bwana, I have a question. It will not be polite, but I must ask it: are you a mbuli? or has your government simply become too comfortable speaking in that language?

Your Information Minister, Shadrick Namalomba, has discovered a new way of communicating with Parliament.

If a member of your government calls the Speaker of Parliament a mbuli, where exactly does the word stop?

Does it stop at Namalomba?Does it stop at the DPP?Does it stop at government?

Or does the word, having left the minister’s mouth, travel through the corridors of power, climb the stairs at State House and knock politely on your door singing ndilipo ine munditume?

Because government is a team, Your Excellency

When one player scores an own goal, the scoreboard does not politely write his name and forget the team.

It writes the team’s name.

So when your minister calls the Speaker a mbuli, perhaps he should remember that he is not speaking from his bedroom.

He is speaking from government.

And it did not end there.

Peter Mukhito also entered the conversation, describing the Speaker as immature and accusing him of creating a “competing centre of power.”

Sir, Does your minister of internal affairs know that  Parliament is supposed to be a centre of power?

Then your Excellency,came the court case involving Austin Mkoka and the proposed parliamentary investigations.

Government was quick to tell the nation that it did not initiate, direct, sponsor, facilitate or fund the case.

Very well, Sir.

Nobody had even finished asking whether Government was involved, and Government had already answered.

That is impressive efficiency your Excellency. Perhaps this is the new standard of public relations: deny the accusation before the accusation has had time to introduce itself.

But you know, sir, it is the tax money paid by a woman selling tomatoes that will ultimately fund this nonsense case money that could instead have been used to buy essential medicines for our hospitals.

It is sad Mkulukuta moyo. 

Your Excellency, a woman from Mzukuzuku knows that what the speaker wants to do by constituting Parliamentary committees is the best thing to do. 

What are your thoughts Sir? 

And why, when the country is struggling with bread-and-butter problems, are our leaders appointed by you, Sir, spending so much energy fighting over who has the bigger microphone?

Speaking of bread and butter, Sir, let us talk about water.

Because while politicians are discussing power, ordinary Malawians are discussing something much more basic.Water.

In Blantyre, women have reportedly been walking long distances, some around five kilometres to look for water.

Five kilometres, Sir.

That is not a water supply system.

That is a fitness programme.

Except these women did not register for it.

They are carrying buckets because the taps have apparently decided to retire from public service.

And while these women walk with empty buckets, our politicians are already walking into conversations about 2030.

Sir, perhaps we should first make sure the people reach 2027 with water.

There is something deeply uncomfortable about this.

In the middle of her walk to the well, the woman overheard people discussing who supports Yeremiah Chihana, who stands with the board chair, and who is already whispering about 2030. She even heard that the “Father of the Nation” supports Yeremiah Chihana, while the “Mother of the Nation” supports the board chair.

Imagine that.

A woman is walking for water, while the political class is walking for power. One is looking for a tap; the other is looking for a ladder.

And then there is the situation at Blantyre Water Board, where employees have asked you to remove chief executive Yeremia Chihana and board chair Stanley Chirwa amid an ongoing management dispute.

Sir, I do not know what is happening inside that boardroom.But I know what is happening outside it.

People are thirsty, your Excellency. And whenever a water board becomes better known for internal battles than for water flowing through people’s taps, somebody somewhere needs to ask whether the priorities are still in the right order.

Your Agriculture and Water Minister, Roza Mbilizi, may have explanations.I hope she does. Because eh!!!  that one is the centre of power.

Talking of power your Excellency, So someone was trying to hack your phone with power? 

Hahahaha….

You didn’t tell us. 

Perhaps we need a press conference on this. 

And the name circulating is Collins Magalasi.

Why was somebody trying to hack your  telephone number?For what purpose?

And while we are discussing questions, Sir, the Amaryllis matter continues to sit there like an unpaid bill.

But at least now, Sir, it seems your right-hand man, Collings, is the one caught up in it.

Mk 3.5 billion your Excellency.

But one wonders, Sir: each time Collings is arrested, your name somehow finds its way into the conversation. Remember the MERA episode, when he was alleged to have paid for DPP delegates at a lodge in Kanjedza. Then came the phone-hacking allegations.

And now, even in the matter involving the K3.5 billion, your name has again been mentioned because, when he was reportedly cashing the money, he allegedly said he was taking it to State House. Of course, Sir, everyone knows who lives at State House.

The question, therefore, is not whether your name has been mentioned; it is why it keeps appearing whenever Collings finds himself in trouble. 

And speaking of gymnastics, Sir, let us move briefly from Parliament to the beauty pageant.

Ireen Navicha is coming home with nothing but pride. We are told she was delegated to represent Malawi. Delegated, Sir. It seems the word has become a permanent resident in Malawi’s administrative system.

And somewhere in this story is Mary Navicha, your Minister of Gender and Ireen’s mother.

One can understand a mother’s pride, but public office requires us to separate maternal joy from ministerial responsibility.

Sir, i know it is not your mandate but can you fire the Miss Malawi executive committee, just as you can fire or reshuffle your ministers?

Because lately, Sir, it seems everyone is delegating someone.

Ajailatu amenewa.

Still on delegation, Your Excellency.

You delegated a Minister to represent you at a major Ngoni cultural function while the First Vice President was already there.

Perhaps there is a perfectly reasonable explanation. There usually is.

But, Sir, delegation seems to be becoming a national sport. The question is: who decides who gets delegated, and what exactly are the rules of this delegation game?

Malawians know you cannot possibly be personally choosing everyone who carries your representation. Which makes the question even more interesting: who is doing the delegating?

I’m afraid husbands will also start delegating their wives to other men.

At this rate, Sir, when doing a cabinet reshuffle please include a Ministry of Delegation just to keep track of who has delegated whom, to represent whom, and for what reason.

But as of today who is the delegator Sir, 

I only ask only for clarification, Sir.

Nothing more.

Because questions are not rebellion.

Sometimes they are simply what remains when the official explanation has not yet arrived.

And that, Your Excellency, brings me back to the beginning.

It has been quite a week.

And your Excellency, i don’t think you are a mbuli. 

But some people within your inner circle, Sir, seem determined to make you look like a mbuli and that, perhaps, is the most worrying part.

Sir, perhaps that is the real story of Malawi the story that somehow never makes it into the official script.

I have simply decided to tell you myself, because I suspect Catherine Maulidi may not find room for it in this week’s Presidential Media Bulletin. After all, some stories are apparently better left outside the State House microphone.

Because we are always preparing for tomorrow.

Meanwhile, somebody is waiting for water today.

Somebody is waiting for medicine today.

Somebody is waiting for a job today.

Somebody is waiting for his passport today. 

And somebody is still walking five kilometres with an empty bucket.

If only political promises could fill buckets, Sir, every Malawian would have water by now. But promises do not fill buckets, speeches do not build roads, and slogans do not create jobs.

What Malawians need is not another promise; they need development they can see, touch and live from.

At least then, Sir, we would know that all those promises were good for something other than keeping microphones busy and unemployable funny face politicians employed.

Until next Sunday, Sir, assuming nobody misbehaves, nobody gets arrested, nobody discovers another crisis, and nobody gives us another reason to write please consider me your humble servant, faithfully reporting from the Malawi that exists beyond the Presidential Media Bulletin.

Byeeee…