Love is Blind, but Justice Has 20/20 Vision: Man Gets 3 Years for Literal ‘Scapegoating’

…He was caught in the act, and during court proceedings, he pleaded guilty meaning he accepted that he really had slept with a goat. Because when life gives you lemons, you apparently look around, find the nearest farm animal, and make a series of profoundly regrettable life choices.

In a courtroom twist that left everyone wondering about the definition of the word “accident,” 27-year-old Sandram Lyson of Salima District tried to throw himself at the mercy of the Nkhunga First Grade Magistrate Court. His defense? It wasn’t intentional. He simply suffered from “uncontrollable sexual desires” and by sheer cosmic coincidence the closest living being happened to be a four-legged, bearded mammal that says “mee!!!! mee!!!!.” Yes, a goat.

He continued to say Your Honor, I didn’t mean to. The goat was just… there.”I couldn’t have done otherwise. Mbuziyo Imandiyamba dala.

Unfortunately for Lyson, State Prosecutor Sergeant Mussa Samuten wasn’t buying the “heat of the moment” romantic comedy narrative. The prosecution presented the cold, hard facts of the May 26 incident where Lyson was caught red-handed or rather, pants down eating the delicious meal.

First Grade Magistrate Kingsley Buleya was similarly unimpressed by Lyson’s impromptu dating strategy. Deciding that the community and the local livestock deserved some peace and quiet, the Magistrate handed down a sentence that really bites.

Lyson has been sentenced to 36 months in prison, meaning after remission by the Malawi Prison Service hard labour office, he is expected to serve 24 months, and will have time to reflect on his conduct and “uncontrollable sexual desires,” which the court noted should be managed more appropriately than turning the local pasture into a dating ground.

While First Grade Magistrate Kingsley Buleya ultimately handed Lyson a very real three-year prison sentence with hard labor, legal analysts are left wondering how the prosecution established the “trauma scale” of the domestic animal without a formal statement.

If Sergeant Samuten didn’t bring the goat to court, it feels like a missed opportunity for legal history. Then again, given that Lyson pleaded guilty right away, the goat was fortunately spared the indignity of having to point out its attacker in a crowded room.

Lyson is now safely behind bars at Nkhotakota prison, and the local livestock population of Chamalala Village can finally graze in peace, knowing the law even without a goat’s testimony has their backs.

Then there is you and me who love goat offals.

Pic: Lyson.